smoke king
Banned
Theres been a lot of speculation as to the cause of my recent hospitalization, and I wanted to take this time to tell everyone myself. My wife had been in contact with Sattie regarding the nature of my illness, and per my wishes, she kept a lid on it. It wasn't that I was ashamed, I just felt that it was better to hear it from me.
On Febuary 16, I suffered an Acute Psychotic Break-aka "Nervous Breakdown". I have had depression issues for a long time, and quite possibly my entire life (per my Doctors) but had always managed to keep them in check. As silly as it sounds, things really started to go downhill for me when I lost my Dog Bailey last summer. I was on anti-depressant medication, but I really started to drink pretty heavily. Also, I started to diet in late 2007, and managed to lose almost 70 lbs. The reason I mention that is that I still wanted to lose about 10 more, so I found a product on a bodybuilding website that sounded perfect for what I was trying to do, so I ordered it and added it to my daily regimen. (This will all make sense as the story progresses)
So I began taking the "Noxycut" four times a day, and went on with my life. I still functioned normally, taking care of the household chores, etc, and having a few drinks in the evenings, to take the "edge off". I should also mention that I've had some back problems, so occasionally, I would add Soma or Darvocet to the mix.
Some of you may recall a thread I started over at DC regarding my step daughter moving in to our home. In the past she had stolen from us (to the tune of about 6000$) had drug and drinking problems, and was simply of low moral character. Well, in November, she moved in, against our better judgement, and almost immedietly her old bs started up. Couple that with my 86 year old Aunt, solidly in the grip of Alzheimers living here as well, and the stress was off the chart.
Around the holidays, my wife had mentioned to me that my mood was getting increasinly fatalistic and dark, and to make matters worse, I was getting very aggresive. Suddenly, I had a hair trigger temper, and was subject to mood swings-mostly mean and meaner. About this time, I had run out of my anti depressant medication, and my doctor wouldn't refill it unless I came in. For some reason, I took this as a challenge, and decided that I could do without. Mistake #1-Never, ever, stop taking anti-depressant medication cold turkey. This is a very dangerous thing to do. Remember the Noxycut? Come to find out these are full of a testosterone booster. Basically, I was experiencing a mild form of "roid-rage", which is where my aggression was coming from.
On the weekend of Valentines day, things were coming to a head. I was planning a trip to Tennesee to visit my kids, and say my goodbyes. For me, it was as a matter of fact as putting gas in the car. It wasn't that I was sick, it was that in my mind I had outlived my usefullness and it was time for me to die. I justified it in my mind by telling myself that I would soon be with my Bailey. The frightning thing about this was that I wasn't frightend or scared in the least. I really believed that it was my time to die.
What I didn't understand was that the meltdown had already started. On Valentines day we had an altercation with step-daughter, and while I thought I was past it, there was one comment she made that stuck in my head, and I replayed it over and over and over again. On Sunday, I spent the whole day in the basement, watching "Gangland" on the history channel, and of course, drinking. For some reason, watching the inner-working of these street gangs and bikers only fueled the fire, and after a day of this, I was left wondering why I had never felt the level of honor and commitment that these guys had. I know that sounds ridiculous, but keep in mind that at this point, my brain was like silly putty-and unable to operate rationally.
I made it through Sunday, and on Monday I began to plan my trip to Tennesee. I started to put together things I deemed necessary for travel-Pills,Brass Knuckles, knives and spent the day trying to find a gun to take. I should point out to that as things began to spin out of control, shaving, showering, eating were all forgotten.
Things were very tense around the house as you can imagine, but I was still functioning. At 5:00 PM I was making chicken wings, by 7:00PM I was in handcuffs and on my way to protective custody. I thank God my wife knew enough to call the police. If she hadn't, I would have killed myself for sure. What happened between 5 and 7 is still very blurry to me, but reading the report now is hard for me. I can't believe that I was capable of those things. To make matters worse, the police were only going to take me to the hospital, but after the handcuffs went on, I started ranting and raving to the point they had to arrest me, and piled the charges on to boot. After 3 days in a suicide cell (buck naked with only a blanket) the judge set my bail at 50k!! The next day, they shackled me up and took me to the nut-house, and well, you all know the rest.
The doctors diagnosed me as severly depressed, Bi-polar, with deep anger issues and paranoia, along with a ton of secondary issues. As an added bonus, it seems my drinking and (lack of) a diet, did some pretty significant Liver damage as well. I'm still in daily therepy, and will be for some time to come. Inpatient or Outptient, that is still up in the air. The upside? Well, I've squared myself with all of it this way. This was inevitable. It was going to happen. I'm lucky that my wife was there, and knew what to do. Had I made the trip to Tennesee, I likely would'nt have made it back. Its scary to imagine the "what ifs" with this. Today, I'm still not 100% back. But I feel good, and more importantly, I feel hopeful. I am on a boatload of new meds, but thats OK. I want to be around for a good long while. I hope that I am able to finish of my treatment as an outpatient so I don't have to leave home again.
I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't say how much all of your thoughts & prayers meant to me. I still read them daily and can't believe how fortunate I am to have you all in my life. For what its worth, your all listed as part of my "crisis support team" at the hospital. I've still got a ways to go, so I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Your certainly all in mine.
On Febuary 16, I suffered an Acute Psychotic Break-aka "Nervous Breakdown". I have had depression issues for a long time, and quite possibly my entire life (per my Doctors) but had always managed to keep them in check. As silly as it sounds, things really started to go downhill for me when I lost my Dog Bailey last summer. I was on anti-depressant medication, but I really started to drink pretty heavily. Also, I started to diet in late 2007, and managed to lose almost 70 lbs. The reason I mention that is that I still wanted to lose about 10 more, so I found a product on a bodybuilding website that sounded perfect for what I was trying to do, so I ordered it and added it to my daily regimen. (This will all make sense as the story progresses)
So I began taking the "Noxycut" four times a day, and went on with my life. I still functioned normally, taking care of the household chores, etc, and having a few drinks in the evenings, to take the "edge off". I should also mention that I've had some back problems, so occasionally, I would add Soma or Darvocet to the mix.
Some of you may recall a thread I started over at DC regarding my step daughter moving in to our home. In the past she had stolen from us (to the tune of about 6000$) had drug and drinking problems, and was simply of low moral character. Well, in November, she moved in, against our better judgement, and almost immedietly her old bs started up. Couple that with my 86 year old Aunt, solidly in the grip of Alzheimers living here as well, and the stress was off the chart.
Around the holidays, my wife had mentioned to me that my mood was getting increasinly fatalistic and dark, and to make matters worse, I was getting very aggresive. Suddenly, I had a hair trigger temper, and was subject to mood swings-mostly mean and meaner. About this time, I had run out of my anti depressant medication, and my doctor wouldn't refill it unless I came in. For some reason, I took this as a challenge, and decided that I could do without. Mistake #1-Never, ever, stop taking anti-depressant medication cold turkey. This is a very dangerous thing to do. Remember the Noxycut? Come to find out these are full of a testosterone booster. Basically, I was experiencing a mild form of "roid-rage", which is where my aggression was coming from.
On the weekend of Valentines day, things were coming to a head. I was planning a trip to Tennesee to visit my kids, and say my goodbyes. For me, it was as a matter of fact as putting gas in the car. It wasn't that I was sick, it was that in my mind I had outlived my usefullness and it was time for me to die. I justified it in my mind by telling myself that I would soon be with my Bailey. The frightning thing about this was that I wasn't frightend or scared in the least. I really believed that it was my time to die.
What I didn't understand was that the meltdown had already started. On Valentines day we had an altercation with step-daughter, and while I thought I was past it, there was one comment she made that stuck in my head, and I replayed it over and over and over again. On Sunday, I spent the whole day in the basement, watching "Gangland" on the history channel, and of course, drinking. For some reason, watching the inner-working of these street gangs and bikers only fueled the fire, and after a day of this, I was left wondering why I had never felt the level of honor and commitment that these guys had. I know that sounds ridiculous, but keep in mind that at this point, my brain was like silly putty-and unable to operate rationally.
I made it through Sunday, and on Monday I began to plan my trip to Tennesee. I started to put together things I deemed necessary for travel-Pills,Brass Knuckles, knives and spent the day trying to find a gun to take. I should point out to that as things began to spin out of control, shaving, showering, eating were all forgotten.
Things were very tense around the house as you can imagine, but I was still functioning. At 5:00 PM I was making chicken wings, by 7:00PM I was in handcuffs and on my way to protective custody. I thank God my wife knew enough to call the police. If she hadn't, I would have killed myself for sure. What happened between 5 and 7 is still very blurry to me, but reading the report now is hard for me. I can't believe that I was capable of those things. To make matters worse, the police were only going to take me to the hospital, but after the handcuffs went on, I started ranting and raving to the point they had to arrest me, and piled the charges on to boot. After 3 days in a suicide cell (buck naked with only a blanket) the judge set my bail at 50k!! The next day, they shackled me up and took me to the nut-house, and well, you all know the rest.
The doctors diagnosed me as severly depressed, Bi-polar, with deep anger issues and paranoia, along with a ton of secondary issues. As an added bonus, it seems my drinking and (lack of) a diet, did some pretty significant Liver damage as well. I'm still in daily therepy, and will be for some time to come. Inpatient or Outptient, that is still up in the air. The upside? Well, I've squared myself with all of it this way. This was inevitable. It was going to happen. I'm lucky that my wife was there, and knew what to do. Had I made the trip to Tennesee, I likely would'nt have made it back. Its scary to imagine the "what ifs" with this. Today, I'm still not 100% back. But I feel good, and more importantly, I feel hopeful. I am on a boatload of new meds, but thats OK. I want to be around for a good long while. I hope that I am able to finish of my treatment as an outpatient so I don't have to leave home again.
I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't say how much all of your thoughts & prayers meant to me. I still read them daily and can't believe how fortunate I am to have you all in my life. For what its worth, your all listed as part of my "crisis support team" at the hospital. I've still got a ways to go, so I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Your certainly all in mine.
