Wish there was a switch

I am going through a lot of and mixed emotions right now.
I don't cope well with death, I think this is much related with my past.

In November, a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer and was going through the treatment process and rehab at an assisting living center. I have visited her periodically in the first months... but then I told her I will be out of town most of the time and she understood.

Until the end she did sacrifice to let me know she is doing OK, so I don't have to worry, when in fact she was getting worst.
No one told me anything and last time I talked with her on the phone she said "don't worry about me, I am doing fine".

Today morning, her son finally bothered to let me know she is back in the hospital, had no idea in which room she was or her condition for that matter.
I got to her room expecting to see her smile, but instead I found a frail shadow of herself, non-responsive. I stood by her side and talked to her as we used to talk very often in the past.

Her nurse came in and advised me, it's time to say goodbye. She is on morphine and not much time left.
I leaned over and asked if she can hear my voice and recognizes me and she shook her head, then I told her I love her very much and no matter where she will be we will keep on talking, I saw a faint smile on her lips. She raised her hand to her mouth as if that could help her talk and said "hug", as much as I could hold her frail body I gave her a last hug, I leaned over again and asked her not to fight, let it go, it's OK.
She whispered "I am not fighting" before she faded away into unconsciousness.

I am shocked to find out that her son had not talked to her oncologist, in fact they were looking to get in contact with him. They had no idea whether they should keep her there or send her back to the rehab.
I had to locate him, pass the phone to the nurse to talk to him.

When I told him the doctor needs to talk to him tomorrow morning he replied "I can't, I have to go to work".

I wish I had a switch to turn her son OFF

Oh Cuisinette, what a terrible shock. I am so sorry. Your friend deserves so much better than the son she has...Health care privacy laws being what they are, he is likely the only one who can direct her care. Obviously, she should have been getting hospice services for awhile now, making this part of her journey much easier. I'm sorry that she has suffered silently, but so glad that you had a chance to say goodbye.

i'm so sorry, cuis. man, i'm in tears reading about your friend, reliving the loss of my best friemd 2 years ago in my mind.

i'm glad you got to say goodbye the way you did. god will smile on you for that, i'm sure.

just to help with a pespective, the son may be suffering as bad or worse than you and because of that may be handling things badly. i hope he comes around and honours his mother properly.

Cuisine - This one really hits home in many ways.

It is good that you got to see your friend. It is amazing what people hear and feel that no one realizes. You made her life better. Take strength in that.

Cuisinette, I have a good idea what you have gone through. My wife experienced breast cancer a couple years ago and just last week an acquaintance succumbed to another form of the disease. It's awful. Stay strong.

As to the son, there must be more to the story, something in the past. That kind of coldness does not come naturally.

Cuis, I, too, am glad that you got to visit with her and say goodbye. The only actions that you can control are your own so do what you can to be there for her. As others have said, there must be more to the story. Whatever decisions he makes, are decisions that he will have to live with for the rest of his life.

Oh, Cuis, I'm so, so sorry! Thankfully, you got to be with your friend, and she knew it, and felt your love - she knew you were there for her and that she was not alone.

As BT and others have mentioned, the son may be going through some serious denial and terrible pain of his own. It takes a lot of courage to support a loved one who is seriously ill, and to face the reality of their death.

You have that courage, where he may not.

Sending positive thoughts and strength to you.

Lee

Very moving post Cuisi. So sorry for you and your friend. It is tough for sure. You are indeed an angel as you knew just what to say and sounds like your timing was impeccable.
As for her son ...well, I'm at a loss for words on him.

Thank you all for your prayers and soothing words.
I just got back from the hospital... had a chance to talk to the doctor, he told me there will be only two days the most, they will keep her comfortable and pain free.

I got more words out of her today and that makes me very happy.
She knew I was there and she gave me lots of smiles.
If I left her hand for few seconds she would get agitated until she felt my hand again.

At some point she was getting hot and I fluffed up the sheet and she said "oh that feels good".
My boyfriend came in and she opened her eyes wide, gave him a smile and raised her hand to touch his face.
Then when we left I said "I love you" and she said clear and loud "I love you".

There is a long story about her son and daughter (she never came to see her once while she was ill).
Daughter was never married and has two children, tried to keep the children away from her for years... until they turned 18 and they visited her more often. She and grandchildren had a wonderful relationship.

I was upset at her son because he took her into the hospital Friday morning and haven't seen her since.
He is not married, has no children or other obligations.
Anyone would think he could pass by after work and at least say hello and let her feel his hand.
Last evening I had a long conversation with him and suggested he had a preacher at her bed side to give her the last rights.

In the end I am just a friend and can't take any decisions.

I forgot to say, she was a home care giver all her life, that's why I know she has a big heart and lovely soul... and between us, it was friendship at first sight.

Her name is Erin Beth and she is 65.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.

...

Watching someone die slow is a hard thing.
I'm sure her children are having numerous emotions.
Some are probably difficult to accept and to come to terms with.
Since no one is sinless I'm sure there is a basis for animosity, One of the most difficult things to accept is these things no longer matter.

...

Only thing to do is to continue being a friend.
Reads like you're doing what you can.